Monthly Archives: May 2012

Perfection – am I chasing a mirage?

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A lot of the things I say and do, I draw upon childhood experiences and things I remember people saying. And a lot of the things I write about are questions – questions I dont have the answer to, but I like to ponder on and I think are thought-provoking enough for you to think about.

This morning, I woke up feeling groggy, having been up half the night fixing the AC with Sid, but content with the general situation in my life. I took the dogs out in what felt like unbelievable heat ( but appears tolerable to my parents who are living currently in a pseudo furnace), and when I walked in the door into a house cooled perfectly by the now working AC unit, I thought – this is perfection !

I weighed myself, looked in the mirror and sighed at the last stubborn pounds, not perfection, I thought.

My life changing thought for the day – WHAT is perfection? In any context, in any frame of life, what does each one of us perceive as perfection? Thankfully, Utopia, Shangri-La, our “happy place” is different for each person. My joy is not necessarily your joy, consequently we do not live cookie cutter lives with cloned dreams. Nice thought, eh?

And when I walked into my bedroom, grumbling about how I alone, of all the people I know that live and work in the US, have to work on Memorial Day, I realized-hey, I get to work from home! I get to feed my dogs, eat when I want, NOT dress up, and watch TV while I work ( I do NOT do the latter, but that is only because I dont watch much TV in general). So…I sighed in delight as I climbed right back into bed with my laptop, emailed my boss some status updates, and proceeded to type out this post while I waited for his response. Im smiling now – THIS I think, is perfection!

So, I decided to revamp my perspective, rediscover perfection in my life, and yep, grab that cookie Id been eyeing for a while. After all, if my curves and my weight are perfection, who is to say that a mere cookie will alter that?

Its my new resolution – to find perfection in my life…. If things were to change, for example, and I were to have those washboard abs I dream of, do I know for certain that I will not then complain about my lack of curves and a figure? If I were to become the CEO of some company and travel to 5 countries every month, will I not miss cuddling up with the boys and watching the same episode of Top Gear for the 60th time with Sid? Any change we wish for, are we sure something wont tag along that we dont wish for?

As for perfection in people – if my husband were the perfect guy, never throwing his socks on the floor or forgetting to vacuum the house, would he not expect the same from me? Would he let me skip out on doing laundry or making the bed? Maybe not. I love him more knowing that I can be a slob, and he is happy to be a slob with me. He can be lazy and forgetful, yes, and it annoys me at times, but when I think of all the things Ive done that I want him to forget, that quality doesnt seem quite so bad 🙂

If we chase perfection in everything, do you think we will ever attain it? Or will we run through the rest of our lives and not look around to see the perfection of life as it is!

“Look around you, at the earth, the trees

The warm sun, the cool breeze

The joyful birds, the croaking toads

The endless surprises on winding roads

The friendly moon and stars so bright

The scent of jasmine that so delights

Just look, and know, that come what may

Every moment is a miracle in a perfect day!” – Me 🙂

 

To Be or not to Be SuperWoman

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I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career.  I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing.  ~Gloria Steinem

So said a woman’s lib spokesperson, I have to say it rings as true in 2012 as it did half a century ago. Sigh! And I thought I was all alone in this struggle. Well, good to know Im not.

I always figured I was a part of a confused generation of girls, 1/4th want to be better than the guys, 1/4th want to be “one of the guys” and 1/4th cant stand the guys and the rest are happy “letting the man wear the pants in the house”. Ladies, I ask you, why this obsession with guys??

I guess I have a little bit of each of these characteristics…I look at young moms, and I want to be a stay at home mom cleaning the house and dressing up for my husband (these are very rare moments, though). Then I go to work and I want to be better than the prudish 50 year old that thinks women are illogical and should not be programming. Really?? I have already claimed to be a bundle of contradictions, but this takes it a step further.

As if being a part of this generation was insufficient, I am also a part of a culture where women think 30 is old and 40 is one foot in the grave. I am all of a “mellow” 28. Too young to be stuffy, too old to be giddy, I have friends that tell me “do NOT, no matter what you do, have kids before you turn 30″…hmmmm….and then there are the traditional ladies that look scandalized that I have a mere1 year and 10 months before the dreaded 3- 0 , I even have a man captured in wedlock, and I STILL havent reproduced!! ….. hmmmmm……

What is it about the body clock, the hormones we cannot help and the thoughts we can? Are children a necessity of life? If I wait a few years to find out, will I be too late? If the man I expect will help me change diapers and stay up nights is unwilling to do so, what is a fair compromise? Do I want kids just because I want to get it over with and delete myself from the gossip lists? I dont know, and what is worse, I dont know if it is OK to be so undecided. Does anyone ever just  know ? If I have kids, will I be frustrated with them because I can no longer read books when I want, sleep when I feel like it, or go to the movies without worrying about a colicky infant? I have asked women these things, and no, they cannot answer. They say its worth it…is it?

I  know I ramble,  after all, that is why I blog, it is my personal mind dump- my place to crib, gripe and question before I go out and smile for the world and act like a sane individual.

That is so unlike me, I am by nature a cheerful person, my head refuses to climb down from the clouds, and what color glasses are better than pink?? I guess Im disgruntled by the crossroads Im in that wont straighten up. Growing up, not knowing the plan for the next few years unsettled me. Good or bad, I needed a plan, I needed a routine to feel happy and settled. As an adult, I have changed little, but life had other plans. It irks me to not know where I will be in 6 months or a year, will I find a new job, what is the ideal time to have kids, how do I convince my husband that what I think is right, is good enough for him?

I always thought I was not ambitious. Clawing up the corporate ladder held no appeal, but yet, I feel flattered now when people think I am smart and a “go getter”. In fact, so contrary is that image in my family that when I told my sister that a CTO thought I was a go getter, she laughed. Insults do not get more personal than that! 😛

I like to think Im smart, and my husband sycophantic-ally agrees. I guess Im lucky that he cannot see a fault in me, or if he can, he keeps it to himself. I am torn between wanting to be home, have kids, read to my hearts content, sew, embroider…the whole nine yards, and wanting to be this smart, successful career woman who knows the world, understands the industry and who can gain respect from anyone she speaks with. When I go to family gatherings here, I am the only girl the men will talk up to. Not because they dont love their wives or respect women, but because those women are all stay at home moms who think of nothing outside of recipes and kids. They have no clue what is going on in the world, and what is worse- they dont care. I dont want to become one of them, but I want something like what they have.

Am I really too conflicted? Or, like Gloria Steinem said, am I just one of the millions of women who go through such a conflict every day, and wonder if the decision they took yesterday was the right one, after all?